Disability Sux

I am not sure whether this will be a blog or a simple rant which will be placed in “file 13. “  For over 40 years now I have been living with a disability that being an arm that was instantaneously paralysed, and progressively developed into a world of pain, eventually needing to be amputated.  For all, but recently, I have taken it all in a sort of “so what” attitude.  My beloved may disagree.

There have been dark days, even dark periods, but in the overall scheme of things I have not seen “Disability” as a negative.  I have managed to live within my limitations and live a reasonably full life.  I remember when I was told of the future in hospital when I replied “ok” or words to that effect and even 3 months later the doctors thought I was probably living in denial.

That was until recently when my disability became a lifestyle issue and as a result I am more affected which requires more intense care.  No longer can I just get up and go somewhere, now it requires getting the walker into the car and out which requires a higher level of assistance.  Now I don’t blame God or my beloved carer. At a guess this may be merely a period of adjustment but there have been some elements that rather chafe on my spirit like never before.

Like I said earlier I am not sure whether this is going to be a rant or a blog.  The feeling I get is that for some reason the lady I have spent over thirty years with has become a default carer and the loving feeling of yesteryear is gone.  I can see that the newer situation is more wearing on her and I would be only too pleased for both of us if we could return to the days of years gone by.

I don’t even know how to deal with the issues. I would like to help around the place but one of first things we have to negotiate is the expectations that my new condition presents.  This is a part which would need openness on both our parts.

I love my lady with a passion and it hurts to see her struggling with situations that we should be dealing with.  But she has seemingly decided that I am not capable of contributing to the situation.  She shouldn’t have to spend so much time in trying to look after the house and me. She really shouldn’t.

This then becomes the lynch pin of how we operate.  I know she loves me and I know how much I love her.  We should be there for each other and relate to each other on the basis of caring and sharing.  Under God it should be possible to do so. So here is the situation.  When I try to get up, as often as not, my legs fail me and I sink back into my chair and then when I can stand straight up I have to deal with the possibility of losing my balance.  Life can have some nasty kickbacks sometimes. 

Still under God, who enables us, I am confident that we have so many more, good make that great, years ahead of us.  They will be different to the past but they will be great nonetheless.