Tonight I have a heavy heart. For tonight I hurt the one
person that I love the most, and I say it again, I am sorry sweetheart.
But to backtrack a little there are a few confessions that
need to be brought to the surface – for the past 35 years I have had a
condition that was only diagnosed a couple of years ago. If that sounds wrong let me explain. It is a degenerative condition that is “not
fatal” according to the medicals who should know. It is also “insidious” in a one word description
and which I now call affectionately “Super Syd”
Similar to some of the multi-facetted too hard neurological diseases
this one will not kill me even if any number of the aspects of the gem could
very well do the job by itself. It was
interesting watching my GP of the last 25 years looking up the condition. As she read through the symptoms over that
time and crossed off the conditions that she had treated me for over that
period. Interestingly they all fitted –
all of them.
Confession two, my beloved has turned into my “carer” as
much as anything in our relationship.
This has been progressive as my condition has lost its edge and
sometimes it becomes a burdensome thing for both of us. Especially when I do not remember a decision
that we had apparently agreed upon. My much of my prized independence is
starting to float down the river of life and I am watching it go as I sit on
the bank.
Hence tonight I feel like I’m not in a position to write
anything but there are aspects of our lives that are universal. Without a doubt we all are prone to missing
the boat and even abusing others because there is something that we do not
understand. Moreover we sometimes need to have a rug pulled out from under us
simply to give us a different perspective on what we see as wrong.
I intend to keep writing as long as I am able. How long that will be I do not know. I have lost a week or so recently, but as long
as I am able to put this scribble together, lucidly, then there exists a
platform for continuous output. Of
course this presupposes that I know the reality of what the pieces of prose can
mean to some reader out there in the Ethernet.
One thing that I am getting bent and twisted about is that I need a
decent reality shot every now and then just to keep my pride in check. Fortunately my editor who also is active as
my wife and carer is just the person to do the rug rip when it is necessary.
I am in good company in respect to Super Syd. Many people could be lifted up as my confrères
and the chief among many would be one Saul of Tarsus. At one point he wrote to
one of the early Churches possibly to point out the gravity of his subject. He pointedly asked the recipients to look how
big his writing was, whatever his “thorn in the flesh” was when he was forced
to do his own writing, it was much larger than when he had a scribe to take
down the message.
As I said early in this piece I plan to keep this going as
long as possible and I am feeling fine at this point. So far Dad hasn’t started handing out orders
to quit and he set me up in this job so I guess that means there are the odd
few boulders to knock around and bones that need chewing over. As long as He
provides the inspiration then I have only one course to follow and that is to
rely upon His enablement
Pray for us we are going through an “interesting” period at
the moment, unstable and inclined to tears and the loss of self-control which
can be a different outcome to what we experience now.
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